I had dreams last night. Terrible and beautiful, Filled with love and death and everything in between. I awoke melancholy but with purpose. The funny thing is, it took hours to fall asleep and I noticed before getting into bed I had slipped back into my ritual of cleaning. Which means I am anxious about something, What? Maybe the party I am throwing on Saturday, the very same day I am helping move our offices.
In the past I would be a bundle of nerves 24/7 but the medication seems to be smoothing the rough edges. As I lay in bed running over everything I was worried about, one thought kept creeping in "The terrifying lows are worth it for the dizzying ecstatic joyous highs. But someday there will be an almost before worth it". I reached the almost stage a month ago and I can testify to the truth of that statement.
I still never sleep a full night, I still do my cleaning rituals, I still have terrible voices who say equally terrible things. But for the first time I also get to feel, really feel, love and death and everything in between, only now, now I am awake for all of it.